A Six Year Journey

For the past six years, I've been doing a little research. I ebb & flow, of course, as there are many other things to do and learn, and I don't like to let one thing take too much of my time. So, my progress has been slow, but I think this is good, because it allows me to digest what I'm learning and thinking about, change my opinions--if need be, and then move forward.

It all started with an experience. Some of my readers may have already heard this, and that is OK. I was asked to present it at a Stake Relief Society Meeting a few years ago, and given the way it was received, I learned that I wasn't walking as fine of a line along heresy as I thought I was. This is good, as it has allowed me to move forward and learn more without fear, even though I believe I would have gotten to the point of listening to promptings more strongly than opinions of others sooner or later, I believe that having given that presentation was a stepping stone.

The experience occurred not long after Zac's birth. As I stated there, my months following delivery were very full of anger, hate, disbelief, and a bunch of other nouns that mean nasty things. I won't deny that I did not see motherhood as a blessing at that time (it is now, though, just to clarify). One night, I was feeling particularly low, and remembered that I had been taught to pray in order to feel better, but all I could do was cry, yell, and plead. I suppose that is a prayer, but it wasn't very respectful. It went something like this:

I'm supposed to pray to you, via your son, who they say suffered everything. Everything? I cannot fathom that a man, even if a God, could understand the anger and disappointment I feel from this delivery. What man can understand the emotional upheaval that is going through my body? How dare you say that you can empathize with me, and I don't want pity, or sympathy, I want someone who has done this! You have never done this.

After my angry words, I just sat there, I suppose finally relieved that I'd told someone off, even if it was a deity. As I sat there, I noticed that I had started to sing, mostly to calm my baby who wasn't too happy that I was in such a bad mood. Really, though, he was rarely very happy at this age. The thought entered my mind, so calmly and peacefully, "Listen, listen to the words you are singing! Believe me when I say there is someone who knows, who cares and who will pull you through this, LISTEN!" So, I listened...how could I not? The voice was so piercing... I listened to the words coming out of my mouth:

I had learned to call thee Father, thru thy Spirit from on high, but until the key of knowledge was restored, I knew not why. In the heavens are parents single? NO! The thought makes reason stare. Truth is reason, truth eternal tells me I've a mother there.

Written by Eliza R. Snow, for the full version & music, click here.

I sang it over and over again, until it sank in. It was something I did not understand before, though I had sung these words before, the truth hit me hard. I was not alone, and there was so much more to heaven than I understood, more than we could ever fathom, even than could be written in the scriptures.

I have since had this re-affirmed to me while attending the LDS temple (Oh, I'm Mormon, or Latter-Day Saint, for those who don't know), in moments of watching how men and women need to work together for any ordinance to work while in the temple. It takes two. Two for more than procreation, two to create, to love, to fulfill important ordinances, to complete the whole plan. Two.

The rest of my journey (and only thus far, I'm far from done, but since I have a whole lifetime ahead of me...) has taken place by searching for truth in other religions. That doesn't mean I've converted over to other religions, but that I read about their beliefs, look at how they came to be, and think of how they apply when looked at through the lens of the revelations of God having a body, that we are to become like God (completely, not just in manner or intent), and temple ordinances.

I've found great things while studying Buddhism, Taoism, Wicca (yes, Wicca, not Satanism, they are two different things, and Wiccans/witches aren't devil worshipers as many fairy-tales make them out to be. I'm clarifying because I hear that way too often.), Islam, Catholicism, and Evangelical Christianity. Of course, there are some things that I balk at, some things that seem right, but that I feel the need to digest more fully, and some things that just sink right in. My husband and I discuss my readings often, which is good, since otherwise all he'd know about is numbers (I love you, Honey!), and one of the sections of my journey lately has taken me back to Wicca, researching some of the point of view of women from their beliefs.

Interestingly, what they believe goes along with the song I posted above: God is a couple, or at least that's how I'm reading it. I hope if someone who believes this way is reading this they will give me more insight. I want to share a few quotes that I've found from a practicing (and published) Wiccan that I found interesting. Her name is Dianne Sylvan

The problem with believing that women are responsible for the fall of men is that, if a woman had the power to do that, it meant she had POWER. If the female gender could bring down the wrath of God and bring sin into being, or incite men to lust and madness just by showing their ankles, then we must be formidable beings, indeed.

Interestingly, Mormons believe the fall was necessary. That mankind could not have procreated prior to having knowledge of good and evil, so they could not have progressed. We believe that though we are fallen, Eve did us all a favor by creating a way for us to actually make it to earth, and that we might know good and evil, as the Gods.

On body image, she states:

The first thing I usually think when I see a supermodel on television is, "I could snap her like a twig!" Twigs for arms, knees bigger than her thighs, wobbling about on high heels; the paragon of womanly virtue on the runway is a pitiful sight. The popular image of beauty is, in essence, powerlessness. Skinny little girls who look too weak to lift a spoon...are what we are taught we should be.

I actually found myself wondering who really sets this standard, who puts it into our minds, because I know that men are not the ones necessarily saying what is in fashion, women help there, so who is? I have a theory of who really wants us to think being powerless is attractive (Satan, ahem), but then of course I get launched off my soapbox by my fashion-loving friends. Not that looking good and being healthy are bad. No, I think strength and keeping your weight under control by eating nutritious foods and using your body's strength is a great idea, which helps us fulfill part of the purpose of our creation, which is learning to trust our body and see what it is capable of, but that isn't possible if we're abusing it with processed junk that God really didn't intend for us to eat. Hence, the word of wisdom.

Another good point about body image that she makes is this:

Samoans are obese by American standards. However, they have no stigma placed upon being big, and for some odd reason their incidence of heart disease, high cholesterol, and other weight-related illnesses is much lower than ours despite their larger girth...that was until the American [...] attitudes began to cross the ocean to the island countries. Could it be that it isn't so much being fat that kills you as hating yourself for being fat?

In our family at the moment we've been studying ancient Greece. Amazing time period. Really. While I am definitely of the Christian variety, I find the faith they put into their Gods and the universe to let what is best for them happen inspiring, and if it goes wrong there must have been a reason (like maybe the God needed to help someone else more...), so they kept trying. There is much more to it, and we haven't gotten into it as deeply as we will in the future, but still, knowledge of other faiths seems to bolster my own quite a bit.

Speaking of women, this one is a mother of three, and they are noticing that I'm not answering them, so I will cut this post shorter than it could have been. Of course, that might be a blessing for some of you. ;)